


Can't Hold On (Can't Let Go)

by vnikiforov



Series: it's beautiful after the end [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Break Up, Companion Piece, Drinking, Happy ending don't worry, JJ's POV, Lot's of crying, M/M, anxiety attack, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 00:03:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9046382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vnikiforov/pseuds/vnikiforov
Summary: Jean-Jacques' boyfriend won't answer his calls. [Companion to You'll Be There (When I Return)]





	

**Author's Note:**

> content warning: anxiety attacks or rather anxiety attacks similar to how I get them, so they may differ?

Jean-Jacques had a good life. He had amazing parents who were patient with him, two younger siblings who he’d die for, an amazing skating and singing career, and a boyfriend, who admittedly was distant, but nonetheless a person who had become an important part of his life.

He had everything going for him. There was nothing that could bring him down.

Or so he thought.

“He hasn’t called me in a week. He hasn’t messaged me, either. I’m actually worried.” JJ mumbled as he slipped on his skates for practice.

His mother hummed. “Well, Seung-gil is also practicing and maybe since he didn’t do so well at the Grand Prix last season, he wants to focus on that. You shouldn’t be worried, mon fils, everything will work out. Just be patient.”

JJ knew she was right. Of course she was, his mother was rarely wrong, but there was something turning in his stomach that just didn’t feel right.

The moment he got out of practice, he called Seung-gil, but it went straight to voicemail. He considered leaving a message, but hung up and decided to wait. Seung-gil would call him back.

Except that he didn’t.

JJ called again the next day. Seung-gil didn’t pick up. The uneasy feeling in his stomach grew. Still, he didn’t leave a message. He’d wait a little bit longer.

Every day for a week, JJ called and Seung-gil didn’t answer. Every day for a week, JJ decided against leaving a message and to hold out hope that his boyfriend would call him back. Every day the uneasy feeling grew and grew until it left JJ feeling as if it’d just be better if he actually did get sick.

Finally, he got tired.

When the call went to voicemail, he left a message. He tried to make it light, but there was a sadness attached to his voice. “Why aren’t you answering your calls anymore? Don’t you miss me and my voice? I miss yours. Won’t you call me back?”

He sighed and locked his phone. Part of him knew that he wouldn’t be getting a call back.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

It had been a good few days. His family had decided to take a weekend trip to New York City and it was nice to have time away from practice.

JJ was in a good mood as he tried to call Seung-gil. His mood didn’t falter as the other predictably didn’t answer. “JJ here… You might remember me. Your king. The love of your life. Your boyfriend. Irresistible me trying to get in touch with irresistible you. If you could call me back, I’d appreciate it. Love you. Seriously, call me.”

He confirmed the message and put his phone away.

The chance that Seung-gil would call back was slim, so JJ wouldn’t worry about it. He wanted to enjoy his trip.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

“It’s been two weeks and you haven’t acknowledged the fact that I exist. What the fuck is going on Seung-gil?” JJ said into his phone and quickly confirmed the message before he thought better of it and deleted the thing.

He was angry, to say the least. Two weeks and his boyfriend hadn’t been bothered to at least let him know he was still alive and well. Nothing. Radio silence.

And the worst part was that it was affecting how JJ performed on the ice. His father thought he was being lazy and forced him to train more, but his mother knew what was happening. He saw it in her eyes and her pitying smile.

JJ sighed. All he wanted was a call. Something that would tell him that Seung-gil didn’t hate him or just explained that they were busy and would text more. Anything. He was sick of the feeling of not knowing where they stood.

He was just sick of it.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

The thought occurred to him as he was scrolling through his Facebook timeline that maybe Seung-gil wasn’t getting his messages or his calls. JJ didn’t know how the service was in South Korea or if Seung-gil had the best provider.

Still, the calls always went through to voicemail. At least his phone was connected.

JJ sighed as he pressed the call button next to Seung-gil’s contact. The phone rang until the outgoing message played and the beep sounded.

“Are you even getting these. I know you’re alive since your coach is keeping the fanpage updated on your progress. Call me.”

He sent the message and exited out of the call app. JJ pulled back up the Facebook tab on his phone and scrolled through said fanpage. His heart felt as if someone were squeezing it with every recent photo he saw of Seung-gil.

He could feel the tears well up in his eyes and he sighed. He couldn’t cry about it. JJ didn’t even know what was going on.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

His cousin frowned at him as she slid him another drink. “You might want to cool it, Jean.”

“I’m fine. I’m not even drunk, yet.” He mumbled. “Besides, I have you to look out for me, Amelia.”

“Right.” She shook her head.

JJ downed half of his drink and sighed. “I just can’t believe he hasn’t called me. It’s been three weeks, almost a month, since I’ve heard his voice. What if he hates me?”

“Then he’s stupid.” Amelia said. “You’re a great person, Jean. A little loud at times and entirely full of yourself, but you’re a good man.”

“Don’t call him stupid.” He grumbled.

Amelia laughed. “Okay, I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to say. I don’t think he hates you.”

“A lot of people hate me.” JJ countered.

“Yes, well, they don’t really know you and Seung-gil would never have agreed to date you if he really hated you. Why are you being so self-deprecating?”

JJ sighed again. “Because he hasn’t called me in three weeks and doesn’t answer when I call. He’s freezing me out and for what reason? Maybe he’s finally agreed with the other skaters and thinks I’m the worst.”

“Jean-Jacques, will you stop? You are furthest from the worst. It’s easy to dislike someone confident in themselves and as open about it as you are, but you are not the worst. You give up most of your free time to volunteer at homeless shelters, animal shelters and to spend time with the elderly at retirement homes. You give your siblings everything they might need, even if you don’t have the time to do so and have no issues helping your parents when they ask something of you. You have three adopted dogs and took in a stray cat. How does any of that make you the worst?”

He looked at his cousin, his heart warmed slightly at her kind words. “I… I just want to know why he’s ignoring me, then.”

“Look, I know you love this man. It’s obvious, since I haven’t seen you like this since Enid broke your heart in tenth grade, but can’t allow him to dictate how you feel about yourself. You can’t allow anyone to do that. You love yourself. You’re the king, remember?” She smiled and nudged his hand.

“You’re right.” He whispered, more to himself than to Amelia. “I am the king and I do love myself. I shouldn’t let him make me feel any different.”

“Exactly.” Amelia agreed.

“I’m going to call him.”

“Honey, maybe that’s not the best idea.”

JJ wasn’t listening anymore. He pulled out his phone from his jacket pocket and called Seung-gil. Predictably, the call was sent to voicemail. “Listen here. I don’t know what the fuck your problem is, but maybe calling your boyfriend at least once in three weeks would be appreciated. Hey, I’d even be satisfied with a text. You know, just to let me know that you even consider us together because right now I really don’t know. Fucking just let me know.”

He sent the message and put his phone back in his pocket. JJ felt exhilarated at the fact that he finally said what had been plaguing his mind for the past few weeks. He looked up at his cousin and saw that she was frowning.

“I have no right to say anything, but I’m going to anyway. I love you, Jean. You’re more like a brother to me than a cousin, so please just hear me out.” She pleaded. “It’s not healthy, what’s happening between you and Seung-gil. He’s hurting you and it seems like he doesn’t care. You deserve better than that.”

Jean thought about it. He knew that Amelia was right. He deserved better than whatever Seung-gil had been doing to him, but he loved the man. He also knew that letting that love control the way he handled the situation wasn’t healthy. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, the first step is to always admit you have a problem.” She raised an eyebrow.

“I have the biggest problem.”

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

Another week had passed and he’d restrained from calling Seung-gil. Still, the uneasily feeling in his stomach was a permanent fixture and his fingers itched to press the call button next to Seung-gil’s contact.

JJ tried to focus on other things like perfecting his short program for next season or taking his siblings out to the mall or whatever else that would preoccupy his brain and keep him from focusing on his boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend?

He groaned. The worst part was the not knowing, JJ decided.

If he knew exactly why Seung-gil was ignoring him or if they were even together anymore, then the pressure would eventually go away. He’d learn to move on.

But as it was, there was no way to resolve the situation or get answers. JJ sighed.

His fingers grazed the phone in his pocket for the fifth time since he put it in there. He sighed, pulled it out and unlocked it. His thumb hovered over the call button, but eventually he pressed down.

The call went to voicemail. JJ sighed, “A month. I haven’t heard from you in a month. What did I do?”

He hung up the phone and put it down on the seat next to him. Then he picked it back up and called again. His head was throbbing and JJ’s arms felt as if someone had just finished electrocuting him. The call went straight to voicemail. “Are we even together?”

He hung up again.

JJ put his phone back in his pocket and willed himself to leave it there. He’d said what he needed to say or at least part of what he needed to say.

“Jean, we’re going to get snacks for our party at school. Mom wanted me to ask if you want to come with us.” His sister, Dominique asked.

“I’m good, Domi.”

“Okay, well we’ll get you something to eat on the way back so don’t eat!” She said and ran to the front door.

When they left, he sighed at the silence that surrounded him. Maybe he should have gone with them, if only to clear his mind or focus on something less important than his love life.

His phone buzzed and he immediately pulled it out. He rolled his eyes when he saw it was only an email asking him to sign a petition he had already signed.

JJ fiddled with his phone before opening up the calling app again and called Seung-gil. The phone call went straight to voicemail again, which meant either Seung-gil had turned off his phone or he was declining the calls.

“Seung-gil… just answer your phone. Please.”

He hung up the phone and tossed it away from him. It landed on the coffee table with a clatter.

“Shit.” JJ muttered to himself. He ran his hands down his face and groaned. “What am I going to do?”

The empty house offered no solution.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

The next day, he spent the day at the animal shelter. Feeding, bathing, interacting and playing with the animals offered a nice distraction from the fact that his love life was in ruins. No, it wasn’t in ruins. It had just disappeared. Nothing left behind.

“You’ve got it bad, don’t you?” Someone said from behind him.

He jumped up and turned around. A young, probably teenaged girl stood in front of him, about a foot shorter, and held out a form. “What?”

“Oh, I tried calling out to you five times, but you were in your own world. I’m assuming you’re thinking about a girl… or you’re creepily into dogs.” She said.

“Right… I’ll help you.” JJ said and took the form from the girl. “And there’s nothing wrong with loving animals.”

“Sure.” She shrugged. “It was a joke, anyway.”

JJ refrained from rolling his eyes. “Which animal were you looking for?”

“A cat. Preferably a boy.”

He nodded and led her to the cat cages. “Where is your parents? You’ll need one of them to sign the forms.”

The girl rolled her eyes. “I’m eighteen.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. You look like you’re-

“I look like I’m fourteen, yeah I know. Now, back to the topic at hand. My cat.” She said.

JJ helped her find the cat. It was relatively easy, considering the girl fell in love with the first cat he showed her.

After she finished signing the paperwork, he gave her the cage and shot records. “Enjoy time with your new owner, Slingshot.”

“I am not keeping that name.” She said in disdain.

“It’s only a suggestion.” JJ shrugged.

“So, I have a question.”

JJ raised an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”

“Was it a girl earlier?” She asked.

“I’m confused.”

“That you were thinking of when I was trying to get your attention.” The girl clarified.

“Oh… no. Not exactly.” He admitted. “My boyfriend. If we’re even that.”

“What happened?”

“This is really unprofessional.” JJ sighed.

The girl shrugged. “No one else is here, you look stressed and I’m willing to listen since you helped me find Santiago.”

“Santiago? That’s what you’re going with?” He laughed.

“He looks like a Santiago. It’s better than slingshot. Now spill.”

“Well, it’s long distance. He lives in Korea and we only see each other during our competitions, but recently he hasn’t answered a single one of my calls. And I’ve called him a lot within the past month.” JJ frowned. “He’s ignoring me and it’d be great to know why. I mean, anything can be talked about for better or for worse.”

“And you’ve left him messages?”

“Every time.”

The girl sighed. “So, he’s listening to them or else his inbox would be full.”

“Right.” JJ hadn’t even thought about that. His heart sank further in and he felt like he was going to be sick.

“Okay, so what you’ll do is tell him word for word what I tell you to.” She put her cage down and picked up the pen from the front desk. JJ handed her a paper, slightly curious as to what the girl was going to write.

She scribbled down a sentence and handed it back to him. “I’ll go now. Good luck with your boy problems.”

JJ took the paper. “Thanks.”

When the girl and Santiago were gone, JJ pulled out his phone and called Seung-gil. He looked down at the paper and his eyes widened.  _Fuck it._

Voicemail.

“Fine. I get it. You’re freezing me out. Great. Enjoy your life, asshole. I’m going to enjoy mine. I don’t need this.”

He confirmed the message and hung up the phone. JJ felt exhilarated and almost relieved that he got some form of anger out, even if it was a random girl’s words and not actually his own.

It was a start.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

“You did that?” Amelia asked. “You told him to enjoy his life  _and_  called him an asshole? Wow Jean, that’s… unlike you, but I’m glad it’s working.”

JJ took another drink from his Long Island Iced Tea. “Yeah, I know. I still can’t believe I did that. I don’t really know if it’s working, though. I mean, he still hasn’t called me back.”

“But you’re going to be able to move on now. You’ve said your piece.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” He said and took another drink.

“Okay, what’s going on here?”

“I don’t know. I want to be able to move on and say forget him because what he’s done is really shitty, but I still love him? I still want to be with him? I just really wish he’d call me. I’m sure I could work things out.” JJ said, tears formed in his eyes and threated to spill down his cheeks. He stubbornly took another drink.

“Jean… I know. And you know, sometimes people can’t do that. Maybe he can’t work it out. Maybe he doesn’t want to. But, you have to focus on yourself and the people you do have around you. Your parents, Maxime and Dominique, me, your fans, etcetera and all that.” Amelia frowned. “We are all your support system.”

“You’re right.” He sighed. “Do you mind, I’m gonna head to the bathroom.”

“Go ahead.”

He got up and did his best to walk a straight line to the bathroom. He didn’t know exactly what was in those drinks he had, but having two and a half of them made sure he was severely wasted. Or wasted enough to pull his phone out of his pocket and dial Seung-gil’s number.

JJ’s eyes began to tear up again as the phone went to voicemail. He took a deep breath and spoke, “Fuck, Seung-gil. Why?”

His voice cracked and he had to cough to get his voice back. “Just why? Did I do something? Is it your training? Did you just need a break?”

Tears were running down his cheeks and he took another deep breath to pull himself together. He wiped them away with his free hand. “You could have at least talked to me about it. We’re busy… but shit, we could have just talked.”

His voice hitched as a deep pain ran from his chest to his shoulders and down his arms. He felt like someone had taken a stun gun, set it at the highest voltage and aimed it right at his heart. “I love you.”

JJ paused for a second to stop the sickness in his stomach from coming up. “Please… just let me know.”

He sent the message and let the phone fall from his hands. It landed on the floor with a hard crack, but JJ didn’t even care if it was broken or not. He had to get a hold of himself. He had to stop the electricity that was running through him.

His hands clenched up into balls, but the tension was still there. It was beginning to suffocate him and he didn’t know how to shake it.

“Breathe, JJ.” He muttered to himself, though it was hard to speak at all.

Someone knocked on the door and he turned toward the sound. “Aye, you’re taking your sweet time in there. How about hurrying up?”

JJ bent down and grabbed his phone. He opened the door and shoved past the man who was waiting.

He didn’t bother going back to his table. JJ only wanted to get home.

His phone, miraculously not completely broken, switched on when he hit the lock button. He texted Amelia to meet him outside.

It took her a minute, but she walked out.

“Jean?”

“I want to go home.”

“Jean, what happened?” She asked worriedly.

“I just really want to go home, okay?” He asked in a small voice.

“Okay.” She said and took his arm. He gave her a small smile. “I’ll get you home.”

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

The next morning, JJ woke up with an immense headache and on his cousin’s couch. He didn’t really know much of what had happened last night, but he could still feel the effects. His whole body felt as if there were cement blocks weighing him down.

He groaned as Amelia opened the curtains and let the light shine in. “Close that.”

“There’s medicine on the coffee table and Gatorade. When you’ve taken them, I made breakfast.” She said and walked to the kitchen.

JJ wondered if he had done something to anger her as he took the two pills and chugged down half of the Gatorade. He forced himself up and to the kitchen. “Hey.”

Amelia set a plate of eggs, bacon and toast on the table. “There you go. Sit. We’ll talk as we eat.”

He took a seat in front of the plate and immediately started to eat. His eyes could water at how good it was.

“Okay, last night, I might have forgotten how much alcohol are in Long Island Ice Teas.” She admitted. “I probably shouldn’t have gotten you drunk.”

“It’s fine.” JJ said.

“No, it’s not fine. Jean, you had an anxiety attack. You were crying.”

JJ looked up his cousin in confusion. “What?”

“Yeah, something happened and you wouldn’t tell me.”

“That… so that’s why I’m here.” He concluded.

“Yeah, I didn’t think you’d want your parents and siblings to see you like that so I brought you here.” She sighed. “I think it was about Seung-gil.”

“Oh.” JJ knew deep down it probably had something to do with him.

“I have a plan.”

JJ raised an eyebrow. “A plan for what, exactly?”

“Getting you over him.”

“Amelia, please, it’s okay.”

She glared at him. “It’s not okay, Jean. Can’t you just let me help you?”

“I don’t-

“Jean.”

“How will you help?” He relented. It was worth a shot, wasn’t it?

“First, you break up with him. You send the voicemail and that’s it. You two are no longer together. That will give you the peace of mind at least for your relationship status.” She said. JJ tried to say something, but she held up a hand to stop him. “Then, we take a vacation. It can be anywhere, but I feel like you need one. We can pick a hotel with a spa.”

“A vacation sounds nice.” JJ admitted.

“It does and we’ll be back with plenty of time to work on your programs.”

“So, I’m going to break up with Seung-gil...”

“Only if you truly want to. I don’t want to force you into anything, but I feel like it’d help you.” Amelia said.

JJ thought about it. It wasn’t that his cousin was wrong, but he didn’t know if he was ready to let go of Seung-gil yet. Still, his body and brain told him that maybe his heart was leading him in a direction that would only hurt him in the end.

“Okay.”

She nodded and allowed the conversation to drop for the rest of breakfast. When they were finished, he washed the dishes and Amelia handed him his cracked phone. “I took it away last night.”

“Oh.” JJ muttered as he took the phone.

“Call him when you’re ready, Jean.”

She walked out of the kitchen. JJ unlocked his phone and pulled up the call screen. Seung-gil’s number was at the very top. “You can do this. Just tell him that you want it to be over. It doesn’t have to be a big ordeal. Just say it and hang up.”

He sighed and pressed the call option. The moment the beep sounded on the other side of the line, he spoke, “I have come to terms that you will not be calling back. So, I’ll do what you were too much of a coward to do. I want to break up.”

JJ sent the message and shut his phone off.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

The following two months had been enough for JJ to put his sadness in check. He still longed to call Seung-gil and every now and again, he’d fumble with his phone and think about what he might say if he called Seung-gil and the man actually answered.

However, he refrained and that was progress enough for him.

His focus became perfecting his program and making sure that his theme came across through his arrangements and performance.

It was harrowing and most nights he went to bed with tears in his eyes and a longing to call Seung-gil, but he kept it in and used that feeling for the next day. 

He was anxious for the first time he’d have to perform it. JJ didn’t know if Seung-gil would be watching it or not, but the nerves were tingling down his arms to his fingers.

Still, that was weeks away and he had to force himself to take a deep breath. 

“You’re good, JJ. You’ll do great.” He whispered to himself and allowed it to become his mantra. 

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

He didn’t know how it happened or why it happened or even that it happened until he was pulling away and he heard the sound of a camera shutter. 

“JJ?” One of the female skaters, Elise, asked. He touched his lips. “I am so sorry, I must have read the situation wrong.”

He had been helping her practice her program and in all honesty, he had no clue that Elise was attracted to him. 

“Oh, it’s okay… I mean I’m not… I’m sorry, I don’t want this right now.” JJ smiled softly and hoped that Elise wouldn’t be offended. 

“I understand!” She squeaked and skated away.

The next day he found out rather aggressively that someone had in fact snapped a photo. 

_Phichit Chulanont:_ [ _www.sportsworld.com/jj-leroy-love-on-ice_ ](http://www.sportsworld.com/jj-leroy-love-on-ice)

_Phichit Chulanont: how could you??????!!!!!_

_Phichit Chulanont: i will kick your ass, leroy_

_Phichit Chulanont: seung-gil deserves better than this. Idk how you’re going to fix this, but you’re going to fix this. NOW._

JJ sighed. 

**Jean-Jacques: seung-gil and i aren’t together anymore sorry**

**Jean-Jacques: plus, i would have never done that to him**

Phichit didn’t text him back and part of JJ was grateful for that. He didn’t want to have to explain himself and he didn’t exactly like the feeling he got knowing that Phichit thought that JJ was capable of hurting Seung-gil.

He clenched his fists as the nerves started to run down his arms and and prickle at his fingers. When that didn’t work, he tried to shake them off, but that failed as well. 

Part of him contemplated sending a message to Seung-gil, too, but he knew that wouldn’t do any good for either of them. Still, JJ didn’t want Seung-gil to think he had moved on that quickly. He felt pathetic.

“Jean, are you okay?” He looked up and found his mother looking down at him. 

“I’m fine.” He smiled, though he knew she’d see right through him. 

“Is it the articles? No one has said anything bad.” 

“No. I mean, yes, but that’s not why.” JJ muttered. 

“You can talk to me about it.” She sat down next to him and took his hand. “What’s going on in your mind?”

“I don’t want Seung-gil to see it.” He admitted. 

“Ah.” She squeezed his hand in an effort to comfort him. “Even if he sees it, Jean, you have done nothing wrong.”

“I know, but I still don’t want him to think that I’m over him.” JJ closed his eyes. “Even if he’s over me. What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing is wrong with you, Jean-Jacques. Nothing at all. You’ve always let yourself be run by emotions and it makes you a wonderful person. You don’t want to hurt him, that’s understandable, but what happened is something you can’t change.” She pulled him into a hug and he nuzzled his head into her neck. “I’m sorry you have to feel this way, mon étoile. I only wish for you to be happy.”

“Je sais maman.” And he did know, he felt it. JJ let out a soft sigh. 

“Grand. Now, let’s go get some food and forget about stupid articles.” 

JJ nodded but didn’t move. “J’taime maman.” 

“J’taime mon étoile.”

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

Time.

JJ thought he had more time before he had to see Seung-gil again, but that was not the case. When he first found out he’d be competing against his ex in both assignments for the Grand Prix, he had a panic attack. 

Luckily, both his parents and his cousin were there to help calm him down to the point where he could breathe. It was not a good time in his life, he had to admit. After, though, he held his head up high and told himself that it would be alright. He would be civil and collected and if he needed to break down in tears, he could do it in the comfort of his room. 

It also helped that Amelia volunteered to go to Skate America with him and help him emotionally. He had been grateful and accepted the offer almost immediately.

However, his promise to himself almost fell when he noticed Seung-gil walk through the front doors of the hotel they were staying at. JJ tried not to stare, but his eyes moved on their own. Seung-gil looked good, JJ thought remorsefully. Amelia said something and he turned his attention back to her. “What?”

“That him? The one who just walked in?” 

JJ frowned. “Yeah.” 

“He looks-

“Good. He looks really good.” JJ finished. Amelia shook her head. 

“Yes, but I was going to say that he looks like he’s trying too hard not to look this way.” 

“Oh.”

She slapped his arm softly. “Yeah, oh.” 

JJ looked at Seung-gil again, though he wasn’t alone. Phichit had an arm around his shoulder and they were talking about something. He tried to ignore the ugly feeling that settled in his gut. 

“Maybe we should go to our rooms.” Amelia offered as Phichit squeezed Seung-gil’s shoulder and walked away. She had obviously seen what JJ was staring at. 

“Okay.”

They walked to the elevators and waited. Unfortunately, the elevator didn’t come fast enough. Seung-gil walked up beside them and it took JJ all he had in him to keep quiet and not break down in front of everyone.

To his horror, Amelia didn’t refrain from speaking. “Oh, you must be Seung-gil! It’s nice to meet you.”

Seung-gil barely glanced at her. “I’d rather not do this.”

JJ frowned and broke his vow of silence. “There’s no need to be rude. She’s only being nice.”

“It serves no purpose. We won’t be friends.” Seung-gil shrugged. JJ would be lying if he said that it didn’t hurt him. 

The elevator opened and Seung-gil walked in quickly. Neither him or Amelia followed him in. JJ tried to hide his hurt, but he had a feeling it didn’t work.

When the door slid shut, Amelia turned to him. “How did you two ever get along?”

JJ didn’t answer and pressed the button to summon another elevator.

“Is he normally like that?”

He sighed. “Not to me, no. To others? All the time.”

When the elevator finally came, they got in and pressed the button to their floor. JJ took out his phone and pulled up his messaging thread to Seung-gil. 

**Jean-Jacques: That was my cousin, Seung.**

He felt a wave of nausea or something as the message sent. 

**Jean-Jacques: You didn’t have to be rude**

**Jean-Jacques: I didn’t want to be like this**

The messages hadn’t been read yet. He didn’t know if they would be read. 

**Jean-Jacques: Can’t we be civil?**

The reply came almost immediately.

_Seung-gil: You don’t have to worry about me._

_Seung-gil: I’m only here to compete and win._

Deep down, JJ knew that he shouldn’t be happy with what Seung-gil said, but he had gotten a reply. A fucking reply and the happiness was warming his cheeks. 

“JJ?” Amelia asked. 

“Wait.” He replied.

**Jean-Jacques: I’m surprised you answered.**

**Jean-Jacques: My cousin said she forgives you, by the way.**

“I said no such thing!” She said. He hadn’t noticed she’d moved behind him. 

“Shh.” JJ laughed as the next texts came through.

_Seung-gil: would you like me to ignore you_

_Seung-gil: I can_

**Jean-Jacques: if I say no, will you continue talking to me?**

“Are you flirting with him? Jean!” Amelia scolded.

“I’m not.”

_Seung-gil: we shouldn’t talk_

**Jean-Jacques: well, we are**

**Jean-Jacques: and we should**

“Not flirting? That sounds like flirting.” Amelia mumbled. JJ ignored her.

_Seung-gil: why?_

_Seung-gil: what purpose does it serve? I can be civil with you, but I don’t want to do this_

**Jean-Jacques: do what? Message? Talk?**

_Seung-gil: yes_

**Jean-Jacques: if you don’t want to, I can’t force you**

**Jean-Jacques: but just know that I’m tired of chasing you**

**Jean-Jacques: I won’t do it again**

“You’re chasing him?” 

“Amelia, please.” JJ muttered.

_Seung-gil: I never wanted you to chase me_

“Jean…”

**Jean-Jacques: sure**

_Seung-gil: I didn’t_

_Seung-gil: I wanted to be alone_

**Jean-Jacques: that’s the kind of lie you can tell anyone but me**

_Seung-gil: what do you want from me_

_Seung-gil: I thought this was done_

**Jean-Jacques: right**

**Jean-Jacques: well goodnight and good luck, Seung**

“Jean…” Amelia said, he could hear the worry in her voice. He turned around and smiled. “What?”

“He’s cracking.”

“This can’t be good.” Amelia sighed.

“It’ll be fine.”

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

JJ stared at Seung-gil through the television as he performed on the ice. He was as beautiful as ever and even moreso, he was giving the performance of his life. Seung-gil would definitely outscore everyone so far. There was no question. 

As Seung-gil skated off the ice, JJ had a wild idea. 

The judges announced the score and Seung-gil thanked them. JJ felt something close to pride sweep through him. 

He got up and walked toward the entrance, Seung-gil walked toward the back. As they passed, JJ leaned into him. “Stay, watch me.”

His heart pounded and he pulled away quickly. JJ walked to the entrance of the rink and took the guards off of his skates. As he skated toward the middle of the rink, an announcer introduced him and his theme. 

JJ didn’t get to see how Seung-gil reacted as he began his free skate. He landed every jump and sequence, every lutz and turn. If gold is what he were truly aiming at with this skate, he would have had it in his pocket. 

JJ’s program drew to an end and he stretched his hands out to Seung-gil, his eyes connected with the other man’s. The crowd cheered and snapped him out of his trance. JJ bowed and sent kisses to the crowd before he did his ‘JJ Style’ and smirked as he skated off the ice. 

Seung-gil hadn’t moved from his spot. 

“How was that?” JJ asked, but didn’t receive a reply. He frowned. “Seung-gil?” 

“Why?” He finally said. 

“Why? Why what?” JJ sighed. 

“Why ‘forgiveness’ and why did you want me to see it?” Seung-gil asked. His tone was hard and it sent a chill down JJ’s spine.

“Because I forgive you?” 

Seung-gil frowned. “You shouldn’t.”

JJ shrugged and ignored the anger that was bubbling in him. “You don’t get to decide that. You’re forgiven and I’m not mad at you anymore.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.” He replied. JJ had to stop himself from groaning. 

“It doesn’t have to make sense, Seung-gil. Sometimes that’s just how things are.” JJ smiled instead. “You can’t control everything.”

Seung-gil didn’t say anything. JJ decided he’d done all he could and moved to walk past him. A hand wrapped around his wrist.

JJ looked back at Seung-gil. “What?”

“You’re right.”

“What do you mean?” JJ asked. 

“I can’t control everything. I never should have tried. Things don’t have to make sense.” 

JJ relaxed a bit. “I-

“I still love you.” Seung-gil said. JJ’s eyes widened slightly and he swore he could have cried. He looked at the man across from him a bit longer before he thought ‘fuck it’ and pulled him into a kiss. 

Seung-gil pulled away, but JJ followed him and kissed again. He couldn’t help it. The kiss was soft, slow and JJ tried to pour all of his emotions from the past few months into it. 

They separated and JJ rested his forehead against Seung-gil’s, a blush spread across his cheeks. “So, what does this mean?”

“I guess it means that I don’t want to control everything or make everything logical.” Seung-gil sighed. 

“ _And?”_ JJ smiled wide. 

“And I really want to try again.” 

Someone might as well have told JJ that he won the Olympics. Still, he teased Seung-gil. “Try what again?”

“ _Jean.”_

JJ laughed and placed a quick kiss on his lips. “I’m kidding. We can try again, but I swear if you try ignoring me again, I’ll fly to South Korea and won’t leave your doorstep till you talk to me.”

Seung-gil blushed and JJ thought it was the cutest thing. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

“We should-

“Go? Yeah. Everyone is looking, which I mean, I don’t mind, but you-

“It’s okay.” Seung-gil interrupted. “We should still go, but I don’t care about them.”

“Okay.” JJ smiled and was rewarded with another kiss before Seung-gil pulled away and walked to the back where interviewers were sure to rip each other apart to get an interview with them.

JJ followed.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

**SIX MONTHS LATER**

“I can’t believe you’re flying to France just to go on a romantic vacation. Your parents haven’t killed you for ditching practice for a few weeks?” Amelia asked. JJ had taken her out for breakfast before he had to leave to the airport.

“Mom said she was fine with it and dad just said that I’d better stay in shape because he was gonna make me pay with training. Worth it, in my opinion.” JJ shrugged. 

“When is loverboy showing up? Didn’t he show up last night?” 

JJ smiled fondly. “Yeah, but he’s tired from the flight, so I’m going to let him get a few more hours of rest before waking him up.”

“You two are really something. I was worried at the beginning…” She admitted. 

“I know, I was too, but we’re better now. He’s talking with me more about how he feels and I’m doing the same and it’s just really good.” 

Amelia smiled. “I’m glad. I better have an important role in the wedding.”

“You will.” JJ promised even though he had no plans of proposing to Seung-gil anytime soon. At least not yet. They had a lot more to work on.

She took another bite of her waffle and sighed. “I’m happy for you.”

“I’m happy, too.” 

“Are you sure you don’t want to take me to France with you?” Amelia joked. 

“I’m sure, but I’ll make it up to you later. You can come to the Grand Prix Final with me this year.” 

“If you make it.” Someone said from behind him. JJ smiled as Seung-gil sat down next to him. Before he could ask how he found them, Seung-gil spoke. “Thank you for telling me you were here.”

“I didn’t know you were awake.” JJ said.

“I only just woke up to see she had text me.”

JJ raised an eyebrow at his cousin. She shrugged and took a sip from her tea.

Seung-gil leaned into JJ slightly. “Are you going to get me something to eat?” 

JJ laughed. “Yeah, yeah.” 

After Seung-gil ordered, Amelia turned to him. “So, big romantic getaway. Exciting.” 

Seung-gil smirked. “Very.”

“I don’t want to know what that smirk means. We have to keep this conversation PG-13.” Amelia scowled and JJ laughed. 

“Romantic adventures aside, I’m kind of glad to just have us time. Everyone tends to get in the way.” JJ pressed a kiss against Seung-gil’s forehead. 

Seung-gil rolled his eyes, but moved in closer. JJ had never been more in love. 

**Author's Note:**

> I promise one day I'll write about Seung-gil's trip to see JJ and their trip to France. Hope you enjoy, though!! Comments, kudos, screams, curses, etc are all appreciated. Also, feel free to scream at me on twitter @yuriodavai!!


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